New Zealand has one of the worst rates of family violence in the world.

Not just that. 80% of family violence incidents go unreported

The state of play

If you are a victim of family violence - you're not alone. We now lead the world in family and intimate-partner violence statistics. And the details in those statistics is alarming. We've included some of them at the bottom of each page of this website.

One of our member organisations, Women's Refuge, has an excellent resource on the types of family violence impacting us in New Zealand, and what it costs us in human and economic terms.

Family violence can take place in any home or community. It happens in rural and urban areas, within all age, religious and ethnic groups, and across the whole socio-economic landscape.

​​​Whatever your culture or background, you’ve got the right to ask for help.

So just what is family violence?

Family violence (also known as domestic violence, family violence or partner violence) is a pattern of abusive behaviour in an intimate relationship that over time puts one person in a position of power over another and causes fear.  It is often referred to as a pattern of coercion and control.  The violence may be physical, sexual, emotional/psychological, financial/economic or spiritual.

Why do women stay in abusive relationships?

There are many things that keep women in relationships with someone who abuses them. Being in a violent relationship can erode self-esteem and lead to low confidence. This can occur after even a short period of abuse.

Abused women are not weak, submissive victims. It takes huge strength to live with an abusive partner. Women have to be strong and resourceful, adopting all kinds of coping strategies to survive each day.
​
Finding the strength to leave an abusive relationship can be very hard. We are here to help.
Jake the Muss - 2016

What sort of person commits family violence?

There is no one personality type that typifies an abuser. Outwardly to friends and colleagues they can seem like the nicest people. That said, abusers tend to share some or all of the following traits:
  • Low self-esteem. Even if the person is professionally and outwardly successful, abusers often have a deep-seated sense of powerlessness and inadequacy
  • Between bouts of intimate-partner or family abuse, the abuser can often be completely the opposite: charming, loving and warm
  • An abuser will often be in denial about the seriousness and severity of the abuse they direct towards their partner and children
  • An abuser often feels a sense of ownership of those being abused; they see their victims as property; something they own
  • An abuser rarely takes ownership for the violence and abuse they display. Instead, an abuser will typically blame external circumstances for the way they behave - it's not their fault.

What are the signs I'm in a relationship with an abuser?

Some or all of the following traits are commonly seen in those who practice family violence:
  • Intensely trying to control the lives of their victims
  • Subjecting their victims to public humiliation and shame
  • Intense levels of jealousy and possessiveness
  • Unpredictability
  • Threatening suicide if the victim leaves them
  • Destroying the victim's belongings
  • Forcing their partner to have sex
  • Keeping their victims from their friends and family
  • Constantly checking up on what their victims are doing and who they're doing it with
  • Controlling access to their victims finances and possessions
  • Blaming the victim for their behaviour: "You made me do this, it's your fault"
  • Various types of cruelty to animals or children
  • Outdated gender roles in the relationship; the victim is expected to stay at home and serve the needs of the abuser
  • Very thin-skinned and hypersensitive to criticism; easily insulted
  • Threats of violence that are quickly apologised for
  • Sudden, unpredictable mood swings
  • Controlling what the victim wears and how they act.
Duluth 'Power and Control' Wheel

Violence is a choice

Violence is used to:
  • Stop someone doing something
  • Make someone do something, or
  • Punish someone for doing something.
Violence is not just physical. It includes threats, intimidation, put-downs, humiliation, sexual abuse, twisting of words or playing mind games.
​
Violence is frequently blamed on poverty, upbringing, anger, alcohol, drugs, lack of communication, jealousy, mental illness, stress, illness and lack of education.

But many people experience these without using violence.

Most people who use violence at home are able to be calm, patient people outside of home.
Many victims of family violence talk about how the person abusing them can switch to their nice side if visitors suddenly arrive.

How we can help you-today

Abuse is NEVER your fault. No matter what your abuser says or how they make you feel.

We have a member Network of organisations who are just a phone call or visit away. If you or your children are victims of any type of family violence, ACT NOW. Contact the agency that has the service you require.

If you are in serious, immediate danger, dial 111 NOW. If you are unsure who you should contact and your situation is URGENT,  phone 0800 REFUGE or 0800 733 843 to talk to Wellington Women’s Refuge or Te Whare Rokiroki Māori Women’s Refuge.
Find help now.
In 2019/20 Women’s Refuges received 42,510 crisis calls which is 116 calls per day.
In 2019/20 Women’s Refuges provided 61,763 bed nights in safe houses and 3,160 bed nights in emergency accommodation.  32% of bed nights were for children under 5 and 30% for children age 5 – 9.